NO, BUT YOUR FACE IS
An Ode to Nicolas Cage
I find myself defending my entertainment and lifestyle choices with much regularity and the one that most people guffaw the most about is my unabashed, unbridled love for one Nicolas Cage. I present images that would warm even the coldest heart to the man, the myth, the legend. Cage.
Let's start with a long hard look into reality.
Now, his hair is a point of much contention to which I say, if Nic had a full luxurious head of hair like say Robin William's groin area, would I have had the good fortune of seeing Mr. Cage driving down Wilshire in his Bentley Convertible, top down, asian child-bride in tow, wearing a fucking hat last seen on Dame Judy Dench so as to control the comb over floppage? Doubtful.
I mean he is kinda old, cut him some slack. They say baldness can be caused by too much testosterone. Oh I am sorry that Nic is so goddamn badass that his folicles needed a vacay in Club Med to recover from 24/7 badassing/ass-kickery. My bad.
Okay, the man is pushing 50 (technically 45...but then again ass kicking takes a toll, see above) I get it. Let's check out what's going on under the hood.
Slightly terrifying. But let's put it this way, if he were ever to hold me captive I would be Stockhokming all up in his business.
Flash back like 20 yrs.....
NOT TOO FUCKING BAD NOW???
I mean seriously, if we have learned one thing its to appreciate hottness retroactively.
Let's get serious.
Here are some facts.
I hate boring "entertainment."
I love things that are ridiculous.
Nic Cage embodies the latter and fucking WAGES WAR against the former.
No matter how horrible the project, Nic brings like 11298% to the table. From Bangkok Dangerous to Adaptation (legit amazing) he leaves no emotional/psychological stone unturned.
Nic is smiling because he just slapped the acting game in the face with his dick.
Now since most of you, my devoted angry mob, are here because well I have like 3 friends, you have probably seen Ghost Rider.
For those who haven't I provide solid evidence that you should re-evaluate that situation.
Omigod, my face is literally being lit aflame. Fuckin hilarious. Crazy laugh time!
BOW DOWN MOTHER FUCKER
God bless the ubiquity of photoshop. Expression for the masses. New Relgions being formed as we speak.
"Wow, that's embarassing, just a second ago I was wearing pants, I swear!"
This is fake, BUT at one point Nic Cage was attached to star in a Tim Burton version of Superman. They even did wardrobe tests, apparently to taunt me and the adoring public.
Flying Elvises, selling your wife to James Caan. Classic Cage.
Whoever says the man isn't 100% made of awesome is really just lying to themself.
Also, extremely suave.
THIS IS A REAL PHOTO.
AMEN.
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