Put A Donk On It

This will make sense later.


While I am not exactly as gung ho on the Anglophilia as English is, I do really appreciate the magical gifts the brits give us. Girls Aloud. Sugababes. Sasha Baron Cohen. Many many British men in dresses. Bedazzled. Their gifts are numerous. While most of those gifts are ignored by the American public, there is one lost in translation moment I have. Their version of white trash also known as chavs are pretty amazing. Ali G is one such iteration and Katie Price aka Jordan is certainly their style icon. Now we come to it....


There is a musical phenomenon known as donk.


I first came across the donknomenon on a little site called Popjustice. It is in their words "literally quite good". Basically its a thirty-something year old straight male blogger who writes about pop music. Britney, Kelly and of course scores of music that will never make the leap across the pond (but for digitally). This is where I am informed of the glittery magical music that will be on my iPod and in my brain henceforth.


Donk is a kinda techno-y noise and well its this and this and this


and for kicks here is a donk-ed remix of a song you know and love!



Allow me introduce you to the Blackout Crew.....a boyband for todays youth!




It's like a mensa group picture.


Key among chavs and Donk lovers alike is sportswear. Not in the ironic bearded hipster trash kind of a way (if this is you don't worry...I inexplicably own upwards of 4 individual windbreakers) but in the kind where nothing is ironic...not even in the Alanis Morissette kind of a way.

Kind of like wiggers in a country that pretty much invented being Vanilla....these are not the Lock, Stock characters....trust.


Wow I just googled chav for your viewing pleasure but not even my Google Image Search Go! skills can withstand how face meltingly awesome the collection of pictures on Urban Dictionary are.....and the definition if a lack of irony and presence of windbreakers didn't make it real clear for you. I aims to please.




They start young....you'll see a trend here.




I do appreciate the return of the neckerchief a la fred from Scooby Doo.



You're never too young to get involved in your kids' lives!


Gollum put a donk on it....so I have been told... I am not much of a reader.

Defying the Obvious

No, I am not talking about today's date.


Let's talk about the heat instead!


I really do like the heat. I don't really do anything above 93 degrees (barring 98 degrees of course) because at that point I think the major systems start shutting down. I like the sweating and the licks of fire you can kinda feel on your skin. Plus I mean TALK about the season my wardrobe was coordinated for....well I mean if you want to get specific due to the light materials and prominence of floral prints it's probably spring but technically its not summer yet just...99 degrees out today.


Here's the snag with the whole sweltering situation.


Well there are two but black leather interior just calls to be so 3rd degree ass burns are a price I must pay.


Let's talk about real burn.


So I don't know if you suffer from this phenomenon but if I walk more than like 6 paces my thighs have formed some Congo-esque atmospheric conditions. I mean like UNCOMFORTABLE.

So the burning has commenced. Okay, what to do? Chances are this is happening to you not in the comfort of your own home but rather en route to a location and perhaps this voyage is only the beginning of your day!


Enter the John Wayne walk. You don't want the thighs to touch so you have to waddle a bit (which can be really awk if you have some big ole thighs because I mean a little "just got off a horse" walk is cool but people will start looking if you look as though you tried to do the splits but realized that you are bulky and awkward about half the way down.


I figured that this phenomenon was suffered by myself and the other fatties only (I found out some normies also suffer) but the enemy was given a name when a chick I was talking to oh so eloquently referred to the event as, get this,




chub rub



Let's think about that again.


chub rub


There are a lot of ways to describe the fat.....but chub is not among my favorites.

fuck you, chub rub.



There is no climax to that story I just wanted to tell you about that literally quite horrendous name for skin irritation. Huzzah!