So I saw Katy Perry in Concert... (ended up deceiving a child, clearly)

So my friend Sam informs me that she has

(des

pite her understandable reservations about the quality) secured tickets to see Katy Perry at Nokia.

We had VIP pit passes so we didn't have to mingle with lowly commoners!

I saw Demi Lovato enter in the door just before us.

Then Sam's friend's co-worker reluctantly gave us drink tickets, which when added to the carafe of Sake from Katsuya = GAME ON.

Two amazing things happened this night.

1.) I saw Noah Cyrus.

Google her if you don't know (you should see as many pictures as possible) but TLDR, she's Miley's 10 year old sister.

I tap her gently on the shoulder and ask for a photo.

THIS BITCH DON'T EVEN FLINCH.

Then one of her friends (clearly she doesn't have adult supervision, clearly) says in what you imagine to be the most blase teenage disinterest/attitude and multiply it by the celebrity/child star trickle down dickery. Amazing.

Shut down by the KID SISTER of a Disney Star.

Amazing item #2)

So I wore an outfit very Katy inspired (photos as evidence) and I was walking to the restroom when a girl around 8 or so years old stops me and with DETERMINED eyes asks,

"OMG are you Katy Perry?"

She has another little friend and they're both looking up at me, so very hopeful.

I kinda go, UHHHHH... and I'm about to let them know that it's not quite the case when one of their Dads goes

"YEAH, YEAH YOU ARE!"

Then obviously following the lying parent's suit, I confirm that I, Erin the IIIrd esquire, am Katy Perry.

She asks for a picture and being the most gracious celebrity, I oblige.

Then I went along my merry way to running up the stairs to hide in the bathroom, because I saw one start to follow me.

I lied to a kid and it was the best thing I've ever done.

Another scene from my life as an inappropriate child

I am and always have been a rule follower*

I am, snicker if you will, a good girl at heart.

Student Council, church camp, the whole nine.

Now, picture me in 2nd grade (yes, I was that cute and no I am not suddenly "less asian"...that phenom was based on what my interior decorator Andy told me. They're called Mongolian Eyelids thankyouverymuch).

There I am in class, minding my own business, when an announcement comes on over the PA.

ERIN TO THE VICE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.

I am quaking in my saddle shoes but I head to the VP's office.

Also, who gets called to the VICE principal's office?

Anyways, I head in and the VP, Mr. Wales, sits at his desk looking furtively at me for a moment.

He then speaks.

"So I hear you do a Mae West impression"

1.) if you don't know who/what Mae West was then google accordingly watch some clips (cliffsnotes: brassy balls-y entendre-wielding hourglass old time-y comedy star)

2.) Do you really call a child into your office to force them to do comedy?

And first off, yes, OF COURSE I did a Mae West impression.

I did two of Mae's signature lines, he laughed and basically sent me on my way.

That's a cute story, sure, BUT the real issue is why the FUCK DID A 2ND GRADER HAVE A MAE WEST IMPRESSION?????

We all know I am not, nor was I ever, cool. So the fact that I did old-timey impressions doesn't really come as a shock.

It's really the fact that I was called into the office of a 40-something year old man and said the following two quotes:

"Why don't you come up and see me sometime" (obviously implying sex)

and here's the kicker

"Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

I ASKED IF A 40 YEAR OLD DUDE HAD A BONER FOR ME, A 2ND GRADE CHILD.

Did I even have parents?

*it doesn't count if the rule is utter bullshit and the authority the rule was based on is one I do not respect.