THIS JUST IN

I. LOVE. SOPHIA. VERAGA.

Skirt so short, she need TWO haircuts!

So I went and got my business waxed. Don't worry that's as gruesome the details get.

I wanted to share something with you that I took away from the experience.

As she strong armed me into "a trim" which I was going to DIY since if it gon' be patchy, may as well be my fault, I realized something. Everyone should get a Brazillian wax because someone grooming your vag makes you feel like a goddamn Roman Emperor.

I honestly thought the only thing missing was the BMI of a Weinstein and a slave feeding me grapes.

That is all.

A fatty reminisces....

I troll facebook every once in a while, I find myself going on a facebook friend purge. If I have to go "Who?" then no, you're done. Unless I want to keep you around out of morbid curiousity or for strictly schadenfreude purposes. ANYWAYS, the point of this all is that as I look at pictures from people who I knew or knew of (why was I so creepy that I added people that I knew of?) and I see that most people come out the other side of college looking worse for the wear. I understand aging etc, but shit we're 24-25 years old and we shouldn't look so....

And that's another thing, I mean you look bad, let's get that straight but what exactly is it?

You're fatter. (One of the reasons I praise being shit at

drinking is because it totally makes you fat...so all those "fun girls (or guys, as the gut fairy isn't gender discriminatory) from college" you look like this.

(P.S. look up Horatio Sanz, because he lost weight and is totally cute now, Sam: disregard per your love of fatties)

But being fat isn't just it.

You look wonky too. Like all your facial features decided to go more "Wal-Mart" for your middle years.

Basically these thoughts have brought me to the conclusion that you should totally look your worst in college, then subsequently get way hotter. So when you run into those people

1) They don't recognize you (amazing, you get away without having to talk to them or you get to rub in their face you look so hot that you are almost unrecognizable [take that as a compliment, if you go the other way, that's a long dark tunnel man])

2) They do recognize you but are enraptured by your extreme and undeniable hotness.

This theory does have its glitches though.

If you lose weight and look worse (some people when the fat melts away, the wonks come to play), then you just get the "you looked better/I bet your lunch will see the business end of a toilet inside of 20 minutes"

Also you can't really show off the weight loss unless you want it to look like an accomplishment that you worked hard on (which you probably did either that or a butt-ton of drugs) because then you lose the illusion that your fatness was transitory not something to overcome.

I think the best thing about looking better after college than in, is that you are setting up a positive outlook for your future hotness. Now you're hotter so even if you happen to succumb to whatever fug-disease is striking the masses, you're starting off on a higher peak than those who slowly slip into being unsightly.

One time I asked (I guess I asked because I have no idea how it might have come up otherwise) a fellow classmate of mine from high school if I was hot (yeah I am secretly kind of needy in terms of validation....I am hot though, riiiiiiite?) and he looked at me and said something along the lines of "you're nice looking now, but I feel like you'll really be good looking when you get older".

I asked this in college (less fat currently, thankyouverymuch) and I asked a nerd. A kid who double majored in music and math at Santa Cruz, and was once locked in a closet during a cast party from a play in high school because he kept asking to have sex with everyone. Seriously, did I just come out and ask him? Did I preface it at all?

I have no idea. But thank you Kevin, because consider thy prophecy fullfilled-ish (kinda hoping it's still getting better).

Signing off this is, as always,

Rosie Perez

(how can you not love this face?)

OMGle (pronounce omegle...duh)

I hate when people ask for ASL first on Omegle.

But later in the convo I find myself....

"hmm I wonder what their age, sex, and location are...."

damn.

I'm a lurker

Do-Over

I think we should be able to take the name Kitten Heels away from that kind of shoe. The name sounds so sexy but in reality its much more like wobbly bobbles isn't it?

Harrumph

A kindred fatty spirit

As he took his seat at the panel and noticed a handful of Hershey Kisses: “Chocolate, huh? They know how to attract a fat man — put some fucking chocolate on his seat.”



Guillermo del Toro, my future husband.

Today two children saw my vagina.

Now you might think that this either was an innocent accidental flashing in a changing room or locker room, but no. This story will test the bounds of your imagination.

It was a day like any other day. I had an OB/GYN appointment. They keep me waiting for almost 2 hours in typical fashion. When the nurse finally takes me to her station and does the old blood pressure, scale (this is a REALLY heavy sweater....) routine and she says "The doctor has some students with him today. Is it alright if they are in the room for the exam?"

I say fine, who cares.

So I get into the exam room, have my exam wardrobe (aka 2 toilet seat covers strategically placed) on and I wait for the doctor.

Knock Knock!

Doctor walks in, hi how are you...

and what follows

are a 13 year old red head girl and a 10 yr old Asian girl with braces.

It should also be noted that my legs were in the stirrups all ready to go and when the doc walked in he was like oh sorry and pulls out an extension on the exam table so I can rest my legs.

At this point, I am very confused as to why there are children and I also feel slightly perverted because of the whole "already having my legs in stirrups" thing.

OK, I calm down and think okay maybe they aren't going to get up close and personal with me.

Doc goes to do the breast exam and I am like

"Okay this is happening"

Boobs out. Oh, it was happening.

Fine, boobs no big deal. Even though Doc referred to a self breast exam technique as "mowing the lawn"

It's time now for the serious business.

I figure the kids will move or leave or SOMETHING since they are standing just over the shoulder AKA Mezzanine seats to my lady show.

They. don't. leave.

I literally start laughing as he starts the exam. My arms are covering my face and no words can describe what I was thinking aside from the words "Larry David doesn't have a vagina"

The exam went as usual and I sit up after its done and answer a few final questions.

The Doctor says thank you and turns to go, then the girls look alternately at me and at the floor and say "Thank you"

CHILDREN.

SAW.

MY.

COOTER.

In times of yore, I would have said "Is Dom Deloise hiding in a bush somewhere?" but now I think it would change to "Is Ryan Seacrest hiding in a closet somewhere?" and honestly I really don't want Seacrest to jump out at me ever, so I'll just leave this latest chapter in the Mortification Files as it is.

Thank you and I, as always, am Judge Reinhold.