Shitty things from the people we love.

Another reoccurring post (yes, I am aware that none of those past posts have done anything but occur...no reoccurring...yet) where I discuss the shitty things that my parents say about me. I know they love me and blah blah blah but let's get down to it. My parents are dicks.



Look-alikes

Way back in 2003 when I was a senior in high school, I got my senior portraits taken. I did the same thing that most kids did which was go with the school hired photographer. The first shoot turned out fine but my mom looks at the contact sheet and says " maybe we should do another round. Okay. The pics were sub par maybe she was just citing the law of averages like maybe you'll take an even better picture.

I go to fucking Pasadena to this guys studio and to make matters worse my mom gave me the clothes to wear including some shit that not even Paula Abdul would wear. Things couldn't get much worse.

And then he rolled down the faux brick wall. Yes, I took those Sears Family portrait style cheesy as hell look i am just casually posing by this brick wall. I am THE original Backstreet Boy.


Needless to say those pictures turned out worse than the 2nd set. When I showed my mom the contact sheets she starts giggling. I ask her why she is laughing and she points to a picture and tells me I look like Gary Sinise.

Fucking Lieutenant Dan.


THIS GUY




And, I chose a nice picture of the man.

Thanks mom.


One more for the road.


I was asking my parents who/what I should go for Halloween as. Full of helpful suggestions always, my mom tells me that I look JUST LIKE this woman





Hey, she's pretty. Yeah? What was that? She looks familiar? Oh well maybe it's because her murder at the hands of her husband was a national news story. Don't remember her? Murdered when pregnant...something about a boat...decapitation.

Yeah, her.


Once again, thank you mother for telling me that I look like someone who was brutally murdered. The story (un)fortunately doesn't end there. My mother suggests that I go as Laci Peterson for Halloween. Not to be outdone by dad then does an impression.

How do you follow this? Well, if you are my father, it's by telling me that I should be a bear (think giant bear murdering rather than yogi bear). If you're my mom it's by telling me that I should go as a bear mauling victim.

I come from somewhere.

The things we do for love.

or chocolate...in my world that's like the same shit. Well really if I wanted to make a more accurate ref it would be Doritos, Cheetos, Ice Cream, In-N-Out or Kites but for this let's just stick with chocolate.


This is a post about how hard I work to avoid hard work.


Here's the quandary, I want chocolate but have none at my desk.

There is a box full of Kisses and Hugz in all their Hershey's glory. BUT the box is right in front of my supervisor who doesn't really have anything for me to do but could easily be reminded of my presence and try to find me something to do. So obviously that's out.

There are various people selling chocolates to benefit MS research. I don't really want to commit to a whole bar even though I am well aware that I will be eating more than that but just incrementally. Also getting to this might involve walking past someone who is going to try to get me to work.

I end up paddling back to the kitchen where there are four large jars filled with pretzels, goldfish, mnm's and gummy bears, respectively.

BREAKING NEWS:

So I get my candy/snacks in the styro cups (they dont have bowls guys) and I also get these little mini ramen soup packets in the cups too. I went in for some chocolate but came out with extreme sodium laced "spring vegetable" seasoning. Yeah I put my hand in the fucking soup and I don't have a napkin, once again reingiting the lazy/avoiding work dillema. I think fast and shake some water on my hands and then rub them on my dress. I hear they are doing a MacGuyver movie....saucy female sidekick anyone?

Sinsporation!

The Rock...ahem Monsieur Dwayne Johnson says "Take off yo panties"

As if he had to ask.



p.s. this might be a reoccurring thing....hot hot men telling you to do naughty things with their eyes.

CREEPO PT 2: The Neverending Story Uncut

So being inspired by the creepy theme for today (well all days really) I am going to just copy and paste some excerpts from emails/facebook posts I had received from a man we will call ACIDJACK.

This man I met while I was working on promoting a book he wrote and my teacher published for an independent study class. ACID JACK admitted to me that he used to take acid by the sheet, luckily this 60-something-year-old man is three months sober(ish...at least the hard stuff). He aparently sensed we had some kind of Woody/ScarJo effect and that simply was not the case. I tried to keep it at a professional/keep it light kind of a situation. That didn't work.

Here is the first email I got...the names have been changed to protect the innocent.


WONDERHAUER

I owe U a great big kiss and a hug for helpin PAUL and myself with the marketing projects and just sitting around with us. You may have noticed that I get hypoglycemic at 4pm daily and that when the moon is full (the moon is full) the hypoglycemia increases exponentially by parsecs (i don't truly understand what a parsec means in distance. If a tiny black sugar ant had to walk to Tijuana from Portland, that would be a parsec.) I (or i) (i and i) forgot what I was going on about. Oh, thanks a bunch. Sugar rules my life. I have to eat lots of fish and lays off the sugar. You will have a Pop Quiz on that. All students have Pop Quizzes, are you still a student? A student of life.

I took PAUL for a ride on my Harley-Davidson today. It's way fast. 88 cubic inches softail springer. I cut off 100 lbs at least by chopping the exhaust pipes so they are only about 12 inches long. My friend Mike says 'you're too old, your sixty years old, you will end up like a hamburger on the freeway.' What is to worry about at 60 years old. I went thru more baloney (a euphemism) in the last 2 months than other people experience in their entire lives. Nasty naughty baloney.

Did you ever see that Charles Bronson movie 'The Mechanic'. Just a thought I knew some guys who played football with him every saturday when he 1st hit Hollywood and he had that drawn rugged face and the Adonis marble body. He never talked much to anyone except he clobbered the hell out of everyone on the gridiron, then went home. He wasn't mean, he just had it all broiling inside of him. At least he wasn't gay like Rock Hudson. I didn't say there was anything wrong with gay people. I don't have any friends left living but if I did they would be whatever they damn well wanted to be.

Well thanks again WONDERHAUER. Life is still a Rocky Road around here and it must be astrological or alien abduction implants. MiniMicroSubAtomic Control Beings running our brains. You don't seem to have one yet. Wear a face mask and rubber gloves. Hell, that won't trick any MiniMicroSubAtomic Control Beings. Almond Horns at Canter's Deli can turn a sad day into a bright happy day.___Peace, Love and Almond Horns, ACID JACK



MANY MANY MORE TO COME

Creepo Magnet

There are many qualities I possess. Some better than others. One of them is the fact that I have the words "fuck with me" tattooed on my forehead in ink visible only to pranksters and one that says "I love being creeped out!" visible only to the deranged or near-deranged. I will post some stories from the former incarnation in my life but now is the time for a good old fashioned creepy story!

Gather round the campfire kids....this is going to be a good one.



*this will make more sense as the story goes on*



So I decided to go to Third Street Promenade for some shopping (and they say I am not a philanthropist!) which as you may or may not know is home to every pushy motherfucker holding a laminated sign who wants to change the world. I have pretty much mastered the blow off because I became comfortable with the fact that in response to the question "Do you want to help sick children?" I say "No" and walk away to buy the clothes that those tiny little hands helped make (yeah I know, I already have a deck chair reserved in Hell levels 2-3 because that's where the fatties and the sluts hang out and we all know that's where the party is at)(1.). So I usually do fine, although one time I was ultra-annoyed and this Chinese woman came up to me and hadn't really even said anything but busted out that laminated sheet and I literally went "Ugh, NO, GOD!" pushed my Dior glasses up the bridge of my nose and kept on walking (I went to High School with Paris Hilton, what do you expect? There were crabs left on a seat on the bus we shared and they nested and have been whispering evil to me ever since...explains a lot). So on this day I had brushed this one dude off when I got a text but the tone sounds like a ringtone so I was like "Sorry, I HAVE to get this, it might be some urgent business matters." But on my way back to the parking lot I saw the same one again and there wasn't anyone walking near me so I couldn't use interference or anything. So I am walking up to him and he goes "Hey Princess, can I talk to you for a minute" to which I give the usual "Sorry" while in motion and here's where it gets interesting. He said "Wow, you have a sexy voice and look at those toes, like a princess"

Toe compliments?

Picture makes sense now doesn't it.

Let's evaluate this in more detail.

This man presumably has some sort of charitable ties (perhaps to a deposed King in Haiti or something) so this would be the opportunity to compliment someone to get them to talk to him. I GET IT. Sexy voice...okkaaaaayyy...maybe.


Toe compliments? What was he letting people know that he was a registered sex offender? Some kind of podiatric fundraiser? Well, let me tell you I hustled those toes past that fool because fuck that.


Let's also consider my situation. I was dressed fine, no makeup as I was straight from the gym, but here's the clincher. I was wearing these really horribly ugly chunky athletic flip flops and my toenails are painted like metallic stripper sky blue....and they're chipped...and I have ALL SORTS of blisters from my insane "walks." I mean I wasn't even wearing heels. WTF?


And since you were about to ask, no, this ISN'T the first time this has happened to me.

I was walking down the row (USC greek row...my own fault admittedly) and I was about to deposit some checks at the ATM when this gentleman (re: "local", re:re: "mexican") asked for the time. I am a charitable lady (as proven earlier) so I tell him the time and keep walking. He then turns around and says "Can I tell you something?" Believe it or not, I am actually too nice (except when in cars and well verbally to most people I like...in spirit I am nice) so I tentatively say yes. This is when he stares at my feet and says "Your toes are beautiful"


Wow, and they say I don't know how to take a compliment.

So in order not to scar you for life I will throw in something nice. As I was looking for a good pic of QT (not an easy task) there were a bunch with him and Robert Rodriguez. THAT IS A HOT SEXY MAN and he is with Rose McGowan (idk if they are still together...I am not sure about the existence of a God so I'll just go out on a limb and say yes). This is a lady who was going to marry Marilyn Manson who actually believes in the shit he is selling. This is also a lady who used to be hot in a ren-faire kind of a way but has since gotten into a "car accident" that "cut her eye with glass" (who's taking bets she used Usher's Tranny wife's Brazillian surgeon?). She looks like a burn victim. No, thank you. What's worse is that her vag (which lays golden eggs, I heard) is whispering evil secrets (Paris's crabs?) to him telling him that she should be seen on screen let alone in public. It's a good thing that the whole world responded with FUCK THAT when they announced that they were going to be remaking Barbarella with Rose in the lead. AANYWAYS let's enjoy the hotness and ignore/question/study the man grabbing methods of the fuggo at his side. Added one for solo hottness.










1. Shit son I looked up the levels of hell to make a point earlier and this is a sin that will get you in the first level of hell (Temecula?) aka limbo.....The sins of incontinence — weakness in controlling one's desires and natural urges — are the mildest among them, and, correspondingly, appear first. What the fuck sometimes you GOT TO GO!

Google Image Search Go!

So this one time, just now, I decided to immortalize one of my favorite pastimes, the random google image search. This week's installment features the word "awesome." FYI it was a SFW search so nothing too racy...you bastards get your smut somewhere else.






- let's start this off right. I mean look at this guy. No really. It's a grown man wearing kneepads but neigh a volleyball court or roller skates in sight. I'll let you draw your own conclusions. Mr. Awesome indeed. (1)

Thank you SkyMall. It's a good thing my short term memory is equivalent to that of a sea cucumber because otherwise my impending poverty would lurk even closer than it already does because everytime I open a skymall my heart sings to me. That Arwen she had some nice taste in jewelry.....let's pretend for everyone's sake that I was kidding with that last one.


So this is kinda unfair because most of these things were posted with a heavy dose of irony. But to that I say....NOW WITH EVEN MORE IRONY. See I am looking at the person who posted these thinking they were so funny but now I am laughing at the poster. And thus completes the 3 person circle jerk that is the internet. Plus you really can't go wrong with beets. Doug knows what I am talking about.


Someone thought this was awesome. At first I did too because with my carefully trained eyes I thought the tat was of a dolphin in an electric chair. Because you know what? Fuck dolphins....except that pink one.


From the author of "If God Loves Me, Why Can't I Get My Locker Open?"

I wonder if Miss ( I am assuming here) Lorraine Peterson knows a Mr. Tenedor "T.J." Bloom author of such books as I wish I was a Long Distance Truck Driver and I Sold My Sisters On Ebay. (totally 100% real btw but I just found out his name is Blossom, Tenedor Blossom.)



To be fair this was from the search "rad." How do I sleep at night?

1. So I don't get it. I am in hipster infested areas and I am consistently surprised by how many dudes wear extremely tight pants. Like I can see the hairs on your balls man isn't that constricting? BUT here's the real issue. It's 9/10 Senior Tiny Dick who is rocking these pants. That takes a bold bold man to showcase a lack of goods in such a fashion. Diff'rent Strokes ( I know there's an apostrophe in there somewhere but I don't exactly know so the placement is a guess)

Revalations!

Maybe this will become a reoccurring thing, probably not because I forget shit the second I hear it. Anways here is today's revalation


To white people, Paul Rudd is the human equivalent of Target.


I will post a photo to emphasize my point.

Look at the photo of Paul Rudd, then think about exactly the love you have for Target stores.

Compare.